back in freshmen year there was this cultural week and in gym a cariculture guy came and was doing free drawings for everyone. i was excited so i waited and waited in line. one after another he drew each person, exaggerating their big eyes, their rosy cheeks, their symmetrically plump lips.
and then i was in the chair. 5 minutes before lunch. time stood still. everyone was staring at me, comparing it with his drawing. the one i desperately wanted to see but couldn't. smiles, snickers? was he exaggerating my faults? i could feel my body burning up with insecurities. this was a bad idea, a very bad idea.
but god blessed him with quick hands and he finished my portrait in around 10 minutes. he smiled and gave it to me. i glanced at it, said my polite thank you, roled up my portrait and walked away, avoiding the stares of the line of people.
while i was walking down to the old commons, i slowly rolled it down and examined the picture. this didn't look like me! how could it? my eyes were hideous, a typical american way of drawing the eyes of all asian. that bastard. but above all, he purposely made my mouth grin widely [even though i tried my hardest to close my mouth] and he darkened the braces, those big, disgusting, metal braces. i wanted to rip it up but i didn't because of the plastic coverings around the portrait.
people at lunch wanted to see it. "it looks just like you" with every praisal of that portrait, i grew angrier. how could something like THAT look like me. or maybe i do look like that. everyone else seems to think so. i hated the way i looked. i hate the way my portrait reflected me. i guess, in theory, i hated my own reflection.
people often wonder why i sometimes, without thinking, cover my mouth when i laugh. it's because of those years of insecurities. first because of my crooked two front teeth, and followed by 3 years of braces. how could i not cover my mouth? so ashamed of what i had to offer.
appearances aren't everything. so why the fuck do we all judge so critically? god damn it...
-g1