the third new year of the year

when you've been lately feeling like an incoherent, bumbling mass of idiotic irrelevancy, there's nothing like getting stuffed with american chinese food to take your mind off things and then put it to...things again. for the first time in a long while, i got to wondering what kind of impression i made on total strangers, dressed gray/black in a hoodie from a band i don't like, shuffling exhaustedly to and from the buffet with more food than anyone else at the table, dark circles under my eyes that probably blinked and squinted with fatigue while they roamed over random objects at the restaurant, a flashed, goofy grin during introductions followed by a pause of confusion, then withdrawn silence, a small effort at polite conversation, then withdrawn silence, a brief burst of enthused weirdness, then withdrawn silence. it's an uncanny parallel to the essay i wrote in french class today, and i suppose eventually i'll have to start worrying about making a (good) impression with people every day since i can't live in this ridiculous bubble of avoidance forever, but honestly, i don't mind if they don't mind, even if i'm the one who gets screwed over by it in the end. still, maybe it doesn't matter what you say or do if everyone's always just looking for an excuse anyways, so i suppose i decide that nothing will change, which is convenient for me because i was probably just looking for an excuse anyways.