disconnect. i remember using that word in the jumbled sort of explanation / insight / comment i used to make during english class last year, and the teacher really enjoyed it. i do as well. so easy to use, so fitting in so many cases.
i wonder if this diary will ever die. i wonder if i have not been trying to kill it slowly for the past year or so. i wonder how i will vent in college. and if it will be explosive and destructive. i wonder if i lack a way of venting now. and i wonder if it is the cause of the insane thoughts and emotional outbursts i have when no one is looking. i wonder if i sound insane right now. or if it is completely normal, like the propaganda t.v. shows and the media and high school health classes tell you, no, it's not just you, you're a teenager. except that i'm almost not. just a little over a year. i wonder if i'll celebrate my birthday in college. or if it'll pass and i'll barely notice. i wonder if i have done nothing these last four years except follow a path that i could have chosen blindly and with my eyes closed, and maybe that's what i did. if everything was just the easiest thing to do. if i could say i really tried in something difficult, and that it was worthwhile because it wasn't just the easiest thing. then maybe i could say that i didn't hate the retrospective thoughts and cliched reflections that come with the end of the biggest part of my life that i've known so far.