every time i'm actually happy and having fun i catch myself and remember that this is only temporary, a short pause before i have to get back to what's real, where i'm supposed to be, what's supposed to be my motivation or focus or whatever the hell it is at this point in my life. except then i remember also that i don't even know what that is. school is just school, work is just work, these people i'm with are just the people i happen to be with. i don't have a place to turn to that i want to be, after the temporary things pass. i don't have something i'm waiting for time to pass
for. and i don't let myself enjoy anything because i can't get over the feeling that i'm just skimming the surface and that's all i'll be doing for the rest of my life.
bitching should involve more than ranting at an online diary. like an actual living breathing person on the receiving end, for starters. physicality too, like fists and bruises. i need to punch a hole in something.
this is not how i end a relaxing and fun father's day with my family.