i'm tired

i hate deadlines, i hate timeframes, i hate appointments, i hate planning for the future, i hate investing in the future, i hate guilt, i hate attachments, i hate obligations, i hate sacrificing for the security of the future and for the sake of the past, but most of all i hate having (choosing) to rant at this stupid blue screen because of my own irresponsibility and laziness and poor organizational skills. and not sleeping. i'm going crazy, but only in my head, which seems to me like the worst place if it's the only place. so maybe i haven't slept or gotten endorphin-ally high in awhile, or i'm just emotionally drained. but it feels like everything hits at once and i just stand there with a blank, dumb expression, droopy-eyed, slack-mouthed, maybe with even a little spittle of drool running down my chin. and i don't fucking move. i just stand there, blank and dumb as fuck. in other words: yes, i would live life to the fullest if the past and future did not exist, but then i don't know what i'd be...a mess of neurological firings and hormonal flooding and spasming activity, but it seems as much life as anything else i guess, and i wouldn't be making stupid excuses at blue screens for one thing.