I hate him. but God�that just makes me yearn for him even more. How does that work? All those �nebulous� answers that he gives, each word scars my heart, little by little chipping away. I�m breaking apart�and he doesn�t even know it. Everything inside of me is dying, everything except, unfortunately, my feelings for him. Why him? Why did I choose him to like? Of course, every time I see him it�s a constant reminder. I didn�t ask God to let me like him, but he somehow became my answered prayer. Doesn�t he realize, the more he avoids me, the more he puts me off, the worse he�s killing me? I mean, if he had just said �[my name], I have no intentions of ever going out with you nor would I ever want to be seen in public with you. I just don�t want to waste my time w. you. Got it? Good!�
of course, I�ll be really sad and probably start crying on the spot. but at least, I can pick up these broken pieces, try to mend them together, and start over again. it will be hard but somewhere, I believe, there are people better than him�kinder�more compassionate�more considerate than him.
but he doesn�t put out that lowly lit and dimming candle. it�s still there� and if he was close enough, he�d feel the warmth, the love. but with one more whisper�it�ll die�and I�ll die with that glow.
I didn�t ask to love him�.he wasn�t expected�but somewhere b/w last year seeing that �cute� kid in the halls to the moment I arrived in drivers Ed to homecoming decorations�I have fallen too deep of a hole�.a hole I can�t climb out of. no retreat�no backing out�it�s this or nothing�.joy or heartbreak.
and oh god. the worst part of all this is�.he has no clue. he doesn�t know that he�s silently killing me�with those innocent eyes, that cute smile, his baby face, petty excuses, his little shrug of the shoulder�.it kills me when he stares blankly at me and mutters �maybe or maybe not� . I can�t even be angry that he�s treating me like last years old newspapers. why? because I�m the one who likes him. I�m the one that will get hurt�and it�s no one�s fault but mine. And I can�t even help it. I�m the one who basically said �Hey! here�s my heart�do w/e you want w. it.�
I wanted him to do something with my heart�but I guess I wasn�t expecting him to chew it up�and spit it back in my face. Or�.more realistically�putting it on �wait-listing�may use later�. Or �will never use---but do not return�. I want my heart back�but more than my heart�I want his heart. not even that�I just want as little as some attention, some feedback, some�something that says he cares.
All I wanted was for him to care. that�s the only reason why I told people that I liked him anyways�b/c I thought if he knew, he�d pay more attention. but obviously�being a fool, I was wrong. Ugh�**** !!!!!
dear [boy who has my heart�s name],
I can wait. I can be patient�.but will this ever led anywhere? Will you ever�go out with me?
check yes or no
[grr! and no mebe..or idnos.!]
~*g1*~