lulling

i've been thinking...if you're a person who has trouble with the things you think or feel that you can or cannot show, it would be a good thing to know how to act. since acting is a way of gratifying people, and sometimes, i think i would like to gratify people a little bit more. but then, there's the possibility that everyone already sees everything there is or everything that needs to be seen, so things are alright the way they are.

aside from last-minute nerves and anxiety and doubts and regret and the stubborn indecisive refusal to check that final box (which still remains unchecked), it seems like a huge weight has been lifted, however anticlimactic and matter-of-fact it may feel. i suppose it is a very ordinary thing and the momentousness might not hit for months and months, or ever, but i definitely feel it in others. parents, namely. i suppose now is a good time to drop off that huge load of guilt, since it proves quite useless in reforming any sort of action with me. which isn't unexpected. but...hm. i should sleep. it's now or never.

"i am waiting for something to go wrong, i am waiting for familiar results"

"are you this fleeting? old age is just around the bend, and i can't wait to look gray"