ok

freaking out because i found old photo albums of when i was a baby and so many things i would have forgotten that i remember so vividly that it seems like i shouldn't seem so young in these pictures, and then that i shouldn't be this old. and then the photos from my dad's childhood first as an infant and then as a kid and then growing up...until he was only a few years older than i am now and going through grad school, working in lab, dating my mom and i was born. the fact that these were my parents and now this is me and that that stage in life is now my stage in life and that my parents then are people i'll never know and that time keeps passing by and soon i'll be older than even these strangers in these pictures and i see nothing happening. just a future with a complete blank, and soon i'll be going back to school with no idea what the fuck i'm doing and without even the faith that if i just hunker down and kick the shit with the rest of them that everything will eventually fall into place and i'll be just fine. it's when i'm like this that i feel like i should have good old unhealthy neuroses or avoidance issues, anxiety displacement, psychological defense mechanisms...anything to avoid thinking about things that i have no way of dealing with. or maybe i already do. or maybe i'm just bullshitting and that's not even the point and i just don't get it. maybe i should just get a clue, get a life.