idno stuff i guess

somewhere around the high school life...i stop knowing what happiness is. "depression is when every feeling is knocked down a notch. instead of being called happy, it's more of an break from depression"--my beloved math teacher. so wise. do you know when ur depressed? isn't depression a disease. it's not preventing me from functioning like normal people. maybe im not depressed just down and out...when did this happen? this year. summer. last year? since jr high. was i ever happy? maybe in 6th grade...when i loved school and loved everyone in my class. when that that stop? oh ... when i moved here. i was happy. from 5-6 grade. that's pretty short. isn't it? i don't know. happiness is sporadic. it happens...and then it leaves. and then u want it to happen again.

maybe...today is just not my day. maybe this is not my year. or not my life. heh. so weird to think about it. depression. what a weird word. it doesn't fit me. it shouldn't. but then again... look around. how many people do i know is truly happy? who isn't sitting in front of their screens typing away, feeling like there should be something more to this life. as if this isn't what it should be. like there's something missing. no it's not something you want, or someone you want to get with. it's...to live again. or for the first time.

**sigh**...living takes the fun out of life. "relationships and heartaches, those two things are one and the same" - the ataris. if everyone's so damn sad. then there must be something wrong. something we're not doing right...we? it's not a group effort. maybe it never should have been.

-g1